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Rant Boogie


High heels infuriate me.

I acknowledge that high heels increase your height and make your legs longer, but they also slow your mobility and cause unnecessary complaints — you chose to wear those awful shoes, don’t bother the world with your “pain.” That’s like adding 20 pound weights to your backpack and then whining about how heavy your bag is all day long or self-flagellating religious folk. THERE’S AN EASY SOLUTION TO YOUR SELF-INFLICTED PAIN. 

Even though there is some aesthetic involved, I’d wager that the person who decided heels were fashionable was one of those much maligned white guys, that good old patriarchy. Oh, I’m right. High heels were invented for men, who then gave them up just as the women’s version was getting decorative. And if we’re going off of the Slate’s piece, high heels were an accessory of erotica, which makes perfect sense since celebs who get their starts with sex tapes wear them often, but will not have their names mentioned here because this blog shant further their careers with an SEO increase.

High heels have the potential to cause knee and back problems. More importantly though, you can’t run. So many times, I think men like women to wear high heels because they can’t run away from them. This is also my theory about orthodox/highly religious women and long skirts, restricted mobility helps keep you from physically escaping.

Just now I was walking home and stuck behind a poor woman teetering on her shoes as she made her way down a perfectly uneven sidewalk (news flash: all the sidewalks are uneven). It was sad to watch her ankles tremble, and all heel-clad ankles tremble on pavement. This is a city for strolling, not tumbling on the streets that the rats live on.

Of course, it is (hopefully) a woman’s choice to wear high heels. But just remember every time you put on your high heels you are wearing the same footwear that men rejected in the 18th century and 1950s pornography popularized while slowly hurting your knees and spine. You look so pretty!!!!

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Some Irrational Thoughts

People who dislike garlic should not be trusted.

My body doesn’t make endorphins —

And “runner’s high” is a myth.

Anne Coulter is a deeply committed comedian.

Red meat can speed up the healing of bruises.

Cracking your knuckles isn’t bad for you.

Hiccups can be cured by eating a cube of sugar.

Aquaphor works on everything.

Eating McDonalds seems like a huge act of rebellion.

President Palmer would have made a good president, but not as good as Josiah Bartlett.

Going to bed at 4 am is unacceptably late, but 3 am is okay.

Airplane food isn’t so bad.

The second season of The Wire was really cool.

Curling is the act of cleaning disguised as a sporting event.

No one starts out wanting to be a ref.

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Tolkien is Funny

Which is a pleasant surprise!

"[Bullroarer] charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul’s head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of golf invented at the same moment."

Tolkien’s origin of golf is almost as amusing as Robin Williams’s version

And yes, The Hobbit has been delightful.

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BREAKING NEWS: No One Cares About Your Gluten Sensitivity

In a recent study conducted by Dr. Spock with help from the general public, no one cares about your gluten allergy, sensitivity or that you feel soooo much better after you gave up all gluten-filled products. As it turns out, people are more interested in what you are eating rather than what you aren’t.

"I mean, if you like figured out a way to take gluten out of cupcakes, I’d probably care somewhat," says Monica, a bystander outside a gluten-free bakery "But what happened to talking about new restaurants?"

Indeed, more people are discussing the foods they have given up rather than those that they still enjoy, according to new research. There has been a marked increase in conversations about giving up foods like gluten, dairy and meat. Dr. Spock has noticed more and more conversations trend toward diet rather than more typical topics like movies or the weather.

"We have observed that discussions about gluten, or a lack thereof, now account for 25 percent of conversations in general and 75 percent of conversations pertaining to food," says Spock. 

However, more and more people are zoning out and looking around for other people to talk to once the notion of abstaining from gluten is mentioned. “When a girl starts talking about her new diet, I just start counting sheep and try to nod sometimes,” says Ron, a gluten-eater. Others resort to more aggressive tactics. “When my sister starts talking about how giving up gluten changed her life, I try to shove the whole bread basket into my mouth,” Amy explains.

However, Dr. Spock did notice that people enjoyed hearing about delicious meals, even when they included butter, pasta and cheese, typical ingredients that health-conscious tend to avoid. “The participants in the study perked up when discussing French meals, desserts, pastries and they especially enjoyed hearing about consumption of pizza and ice cream.

While, Dr.Spock’s study only observed attitudes toward giving up gluten, he suspects that people might experience similar feelings towards righteous vegans, juicing and even people attempting to “eat clean,” but more research is needed to confirm his speculations.

Who knows, perhaps soon we will all be enjoying gluten-free conversations.

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A man was banging on two paint cans with drumsticks by NYU. The sounds were amplified by the wind tunnel and guess what? It was infectious. I believed it was more exciting than most of the music on the radio. He’s probably better able to keep a tune than most of the radio-played musicians anyway.

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Something Nice

My brother once told me that writers were an essential part of society. I agree. I think storytelling is in our DNA and you’d be hard-pressed to find a civilization that didn’t attempt some form of narrative through words, art, dance etc. I find that notion very comforting. People always need stories and I can always attempt to be a part of that on some level.

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There’s this thing I have. It’s like a tornado of laziness destroying all motivation. I’ve always wondered how a therapist would address this issue. I’ve tried to name the problem, the “dark passenger” never quite stuck (and Dexter used it more effectively anyway). When this slump occurs, the smallest task feels strenuous. I have time to do my laundry right now, a luxury that’s typically unthinkable during the week, but I won’t do it. I have a great opportunity to get writing done, again, it won’t happen (though it did today on an unlikely whim, still, it won’t go anywhere). I have time to walk around, exercise, read, watch new films or socialize, but none of that will happen. I won’t forget to eat though, that I can assure you, nor will I forget to wallow in sad solipsism. It’s shocking I’m even typing this right now. I’ve been ignoring this blog for a bit because I was told it didn’t matter anyway, was just a waste of time. I’m certain that’s true.

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Lana Del Rey- West Coast

Since I just left it. And for no reason was jammin’ to a lot of Lana thanks to my car’s archaic CD player. At least in this track she’s trying something a little different. Inconsistency works for her.

"if you’re not drinking/ You’re not playing."

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Whoops, I always seem to take time off when I go home. Bloggers need a spring break too, I think.

Life after Middlemarch has been good. I’m 61st on the list to read My Life In Middlemarch at the library so I’m occupying myself with The Circle. So much for trying “hard” literature while my brain was still sharp! It’s fun. Hope it becomes a movie. 1984 meets Twitter, which I’d written it first.

In other news, someone told me I looked like Gilly from Game of Thrones at work today. My friends said I was obsessing over this, but mostly because in the last episode I couldn’t get over how bad they’d made her look. At least I found her kind of sweet as Cassy on Skins.

Still think it’s inaccurate. Prefer to cling to D’s idealized version of me that looks like Mila Kunis. So far from true, but kind of him to try.

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FINALLY. Middlemarch, out. Yes, it was brilliant, yes the insight was profound, but jeez it’s dense. I’m giddy with excitement about what to read next. Cue Jay-Z. Feel like I might as well jump back into A Light In August since my brain is still in a complex literary space, but I might just need a nonfiction or two, especially for the plane tomorrow. BOOKS!!! Am I right? 

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